If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
