I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
