During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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