It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
