I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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