I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I can't turn off my feet"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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