No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
