apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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