More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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