if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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