what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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