There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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