yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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