tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
