What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
