Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
