There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
MIDGETS
????
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
