Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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