i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
