chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
