I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
