just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
