i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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