my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
PANTIES FOUND
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