if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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