I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
