he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
