Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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