words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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