A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
