I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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