i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
