you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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