she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
