i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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