I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
