I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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