I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
