Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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