I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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