So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
