Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
