I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
