What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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