Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
