i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
