This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
