i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
