I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
