Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
