oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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