The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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